Author’s note: I chose these two scenes because I had a soft spot for the two married, middle aged women out on the town for a night….

M: Is this it?

C: Is this what?

M: Is this our big Friday night on the town?

C: Well, its still early.

M: Where’s all the talent? I defied our Eddie to come out and enjoy myself. This is supposed to be my, I mean our night of drunken revelry.

C: Well, it can be. You’ve got a Bloody Mary.

M: And you’ve got a bloody nerve. Why are we sat in this blooming awful plastic paradise?

C: Its sophisticated.

M: Is it hell its a cheesy bar with tacky fittings. I mean, look at it. They’ve even got a plastic parrot up there.

C: Is it plastic? I thought it just moved.

M: That parrot is plastic. If it moved its coz you shook the palm tree.

C: No, I’m sure its moving, look.

M: Are we in a Monty Python sketch or what? Can we change the subject, sup up and find another bar with a bit of fresh meat in it?

C: Marje! What about Eddie?

M: Well he’s off watching that stripper at your pub with Des isn’t he? Fair’s fair!

C: Hey, what about these two?

M: Oh My God! They’ve seen us. Don’t look. They’re chatting, looking, chatting.

C: He’s got a lovely bum that dark one, just like a little peach.

M: They’re looking, they’re chatting.... they’re looking again.... chatting.... laughing... getting up ! They’re coming over! We’ve pulled!

C: Oh!

M: Finish your drink Cath. Quick.

C: Why.

M: Just do it quick. We’re leaving.

C: What?

M: Quickly we’ve got to go.

C: Why?

M: Because its Darren Smith - Jen’s ex-boyfriend! Quick before they can tell who it is!!!

M: Why did we ever think that it was worth going to chat up kids like that?

C: Do you know what that ginger one said to me? He said he likes 'em ripe! Goes for the older woman! I think he thought I'd cook and clean for him like his mum.

M: What does a kid like that know anyway?

C: They do look pretty though don't they?

M: I watched that "Titanic" the other day, that Leonardo wotsit, now he is pretty! But do you know what our Jen said? She said I was a cradle snatching old grannie!

C: You're not are you?

M: What?

C: A grannie?

M: Not unless our Jen manages to hide her secret love child in that flipping guitar of hers.

C: I don't like that Kate Winslett you know. She's so full of herself. Smug.

M: How do you know? Was she round at yours for tea?

C: You can just tell, you know how I am, I just take a like to some and a dislike to others.

M: I know you're a barmy old bat!

C: No, I mean like that Tara Fitzgerald in "Brassed Off", now I thought she was nice.

M: You're daft as a brush you. Is this bus ever going to come? I want to get on me home patch. I don't like it out in the wilderness like this.

C: This bus station is the wilderness?

M: You know what I mean, these kids, in the pubs in town. They're not really our kind of people are they?

C: I don't know, I could have shown them a thing or two on the Barge!

M: No, but I don't like to wander. We should have stuck to our local. Or gone up to Park Lane!

C: You know that's just what the fellas want don't you?

M: What?

C: They want to laugh at us when we come home, tails between our legs. Egos deflated, looking every inch the sad old bags we are. Then they can sit at home in their underwear, scrtaching away at themselves waiting for us to make their next meal or bring them a beer in between football matches on Sky.

I didn't put myself through the hell of waxing me legs just to go home and have that old fart lord it over me because he's the best I can do! I'm out for a good time and I'm going to have one if it kills me! And I'm not going home until I'm drunk, had a kebab and groped a 19 year old Adonis.

Are you with me?

M: You should take up politics you, the world and his wife would follow you after a speech like that! Lets go to Baron's on Cleethorpe Road they've got a late licence. I'll show Eddie I've still got what it takes to party all night.

C: You can't.

M: I bloody can.

C: No, you can't. Baron's has closed down again. The For Sale board is up again.

M: Sod it! Hey, its make your mind up time, here's our bus.

(They leave)