Narrator: Once upon a time there lived a baker and his wife.
They ran a modest little bakery in Storyville. They were happy to cook and
serve the good people of the town and loved nothing better than being asked to
provide the bread and cakes for a big wedding or a celebration meal of some
kind.
Wife: Guess what our Albert?
Baker: What’s that our Margaret?
Wife: We’ve just had that Baron in to place an order…
Baker: Don’t tell me. He wants half a dozen rock cakes because
they keep for ages.
Wife: Oh no, its much better than that!
Baker: Umm… he’s ordered a sandwich with a fancy filling?
Wife: Better than that!
Baker: Well, I’m running out of ideas now our Margaret!
Wife: You know his daughter?
Baker: Which one? The tall, thin ugly one or the short, fat
stupid one?
Wife: No, you know the dainty little one… very pretty.
Baker: Has he got another daughter?
Wife: You know her! She’s the one who takes the deliveries
when you drop the rock cakes round…
Baker: You don’t mean that pretty one with the lovely dark
eyes do you?
Wife: Yes! That’s her!
Baker: I thought she was his
servant, not his daughter.
Wife: Oh no, she’s his actual daughter, the other two are
only his step-daughters, by his second wife.
Baker: Is he divorced?
Wife: No, she died, just as she gave birth to their
daughter.
Baker: Oh I see… I think!
Wife: Well, anyway, HIS daughter went to the Royal ball at
the palace…
Baker: But she always looks so dowdy!
Wife: Oh no, they say she was beautiful that night! She
won the Prince’s heart but he didn’t know who she was.
Baker: Well she must have scrubbed up well! She always
looks like she needs a good wash!
Wife: Anyway, she lost a shoe on the steps of the palace
as she ran away from him…
Baker: Why did she run away from him?
Wife: Oh! I don’t know! I forgot to ask!
Baker: Anyway…….
Wife: Oh yes! Anyway, the Prince tracked her down and
asked her to marry him!
Baker: Lovely! But what’s all this got to do with me?
Wife: Well, her father…
Baker: The Baron.
Wife: Yes the Baron, he asked if we could provide the
cakes and bread for the reception. He wants LOADS of bread.
Baker: How much is LOADS?
Wife: Well it should pay for our Christmas presents this
year, because there’s all his family, all his first wife’s family and all the
step wife’s family AND all the Royal family!
Baker: Woo hoo! Excellent! I’d better get to work! Now
where’s the flower gone?
Narrator: And so, the Baker and his wife went about trying to
bake mountains of cakes…
Wife: And bread!
Narrator: And bread! They spent days just mixing up flour and
eggs and water. It seemed like weeks
went into the cakes…
Baker: How long have I been at this? It seems like weeks!
Wife: About five days! But I agree it does seem like
weeks.
Narrator: The big wedding cake took ages to make. It was ten
layers high with columns to hold each layer higher than the last. Every layer
was a different type of cake. There was rich fruit cake…
Baker: Battenberg…
Wife: Dundee…
Narrator: Sponge…
Baker: Banana cake…
Wife: Chocolate cake…
Narrator: Walnut layer…
Baker: Carrot cake…
Wife: Cheese cake and finally…
Narrator: Rice Krispie cake! And it was beautifully iced with
little figures on top of the Prince and the Baron’s daughter. The Baker’s wife
wept when she saw how gorgeous the cake was. Then they sat down and with a deep
sigh said…
Baker: When shall we start the bread?
Wife: Oh you do love your work don’t you?
Baker: Well a Baker’s got to earn his crust hasn’t he?
Wife: Well, what
kind of bread are you going to bake?
Baker: Well I thought I would try a variety of breads.
Wife: Such as?
Baker: Well obviously the likes of the traditional crusty
white loaf…
Wife: Oh yes? And the split tin…
Baker: It goes without saying. And I’ll do some thick
sliced… and well, a bit of French stick, some garlic bread, some pitta bread,
some naan bread, some ciabatta, some soda bread and some lava bread just in
case there are any Welsh guests!
Narrator: It seemed like the Baker had thought of everything until
his wife said…
Wife: What about rolls? We must make them some rolls.
Baker: Ooh err! Well what sort? Soft baps? Crusty cobs?
Finger rolls? Wholemeal? Organic? Well let’s get the bread out of the way first
and we’ll worry about rolls later…
Narrator: So the Baker and his wife started to mix the flour,
the water, the salt, the yeast. And spent hours kneading the dough.
Wife: He’s right we do need the money!
Baker: No you stupid woman! KNEADING THE DOUGH! To make the
bread. You know pounding it to make the dough springy and ready to rise. Why
only the other day a batch told me how good it is to feel “kneaded”! Ha ha!
Wife: Oh…dear! Sad!
Narrator: Well, despite the awful jokes they worked hard
taking great pride in their work until it was ready!
Baker: At last! Its ready! I just need to dig out me cycle
clips and ride up the Palace with all this lot!
Wife: Hurrah! I think your clips were in the cupboard
under the sink…
Narrator: The Baker went off to find his bike clips and when
he came in his wife noticed his expression had changed dramatically…
Wife: What’s the matter love? Couldn’t you find them? You
look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Baker: Oh no, its far worse than that!
Wife: What? What is it?
Baker: You know those bread rolls I made?
Wife: What bread rolls?
Baker: Exactly! I didn’t make any!
Wife: Oh no! What will the Baron say?
Baker: Look let’s put a batch in now and then we can take
the cakes up to the castle while they cook. If you come with me then the Baron
won’t get so mad!
Wife: Why me?
Baker: Well, he never does lose his temper in front of a
lady!
Wife: Oh how sweet!
Baker: And I don’t know any ladies so you’ll have to do!
Narrator: And so the Baker and his Wife made some bread rolls…
They weren’t really thinking about how many they made, they just used all the
ingredients that were handy, kneaded the bread quickly put them on a tray and
placed it into his oven. Then as fast as they could, they peddled their tandem
to the Baron’s castle to explain that the bread would follow the cakes in due
course.
But in the mean time the
rolls were in the oven cooking away…
The stage goes red and we see all the rolls on stage curled up into little balls which get bigger as the heat becomes more friendly. Music plays as the rolls grow
Narrator: I forgot to tell you, the other thing the Baker’s
wife didn’t do was to clean the oven from the last time she had used it! That
was most unlike her, but she’d given the Baker a pizza for his lunch, well
they’d both shared one. They’d had a gigantic pizza with everything on. There
were peppers, mushrooms, garlic, ham, chicken, tuna, sweet corn, onions,
pepperoni, salami, prawns… everything you could think of! Except anchovies,
because nobody really likes anchovies on pizza! And to top it all off there had
been a mountain of cheese! It was hanging over the edge of the dish and some
had melted onto the oven shelf, and really should have been cleaned out before
the rolls were put in….
Roll 1: (Yawns) Oh I feel so warm and cosy in
here!
Roll 2: I’m not surprised somebody left the central heating
on for us!
Roll 3: What’s central heating?
Roll 4: Yeah, we’re just fresh bread rolls, how do we know
what central heating is?
Roll 5: All right, there’s no need to get a cob on!
Roll 6: My crust feels nice! Its giving me a nice shell to
keep me warm inside.
Roll 7: Will you belt up? Its not so warm over here by the
door! I think that some of the heat is escaping through a gap.
Roll 8: Well ask if somebody minds moving. Don’t just sit
there, see if someone will swap places with you.
Roll 9: Well, I’m not moving! How about you?
Roll 10: I think the temperature is just right where I am,
I’m not too hot and I’m not too cold.
Roll 11: I’ll swap places with you!
Roll 7: And what would that achieve? You’re right next to
me! Its no warmer where you are!
Roll 11: Oh I didn’t think about that! Sorry!
Roll 7: How about at the back?
Roll 12: Hey some like it hot you know what I mean?
Roll 13: I’ll swap, I don’t mind moving…
Roll 7: Really?
Roll 1: Must be mad!
Roll 2: We can’t go swapping places the Baker won’t like it
when he gets back!
Roll 3: Well to be fair, he doesn’t mind giving up his
place…
Roll 4: And the Baker won’t notice if we move about a bit.
Roll 5: Its not as if we all look like we did when we came
in here is it?
Roll 6: Well, like I said, I have got a really nice rust now
so he wouldn’t recognise me now!
Roll 7: So will you swap places so I can get warm?
Roll 13: Of course!
Roll 8: Its not right you know! Bakers can tell these
things!
Roll 9: What would you know? This is only your first batch,
it’s a first for all of us. Stop trying to spook the rest of us with your
stories.
Roll 10: Well don’t expect me to get out of your way to get
to the back, I am nice and cozy.
Roll 11: I’ll move for you to get out of the way!
Roll 7: Thanks but its still a problem!
Roll 13: Well, I’ll come to you so that you can take my place
and I’ll take yours…
Roll 13 gets up and moves towards the front. As he does, the other rolls start to notice something and laugh. The laughter spreads until its out of control and all the other rolls are laughing at Roll 13. He turns and places his back to the audience where we see what the other rolls have been laughing at, he has cheese from the pizza all over his head and back.
Roll 13: What’s the matter? Stop it! Why
are you all laughing at me?
Roll 1: Ha ha he looks so stupid!
Roll 2: Look at him expressing his
“individuality”!
Roll 3: Well don’t expect us to top that!
Roll 4: Uggh! It looks like he’s got
bogies down his back!
Roll 5: Don’t go near him or we might all
catch it! Urrgh!
Roll 6: Hey keep that away from my crust
I don’t want to catch it and ruin this beautiful new look!
Roll 7: I’m not swapping places with you!
If I sit back there I might become a freak too!
Roll 12: Oh no! Has it got me? Somebody
check me out! I don’t wanna be a freak!
Roll 10: No you’re clean not like the geek
at the front!
Roll 13: Its not my fault!
Roll 1: Everybody keep away from him he’s
not normal!
Roll 2: Freak!!!
Roll 3: Geek!!!
Roll 4: He’s got the plague! Ha ha!
Roll 5: (Mimicking the Elephant
Man) Look at me… I am not an
animal I am… a bread roll!!!
Everybody continues to laugh and point at Roll 13.
Roll 13: Stop it! Please… its not my
fault!
Roll 5: Stop it please its not my fault…
I am pathetic!
Roll 6: Its not my fault… I am ugly!
Roll 7: Its not my fault… I am faulty!
Roll 8: Who’s going to want a hump-backed
roll like you?
Roll 9: You ugly! You ugly! U. G. L. Y. You ugly!!!
All the rolls join in taunting Roll 13.
Roll 13: Please… I don’t want to be like
this! I want to be like all of you!
Roll 13 sits down and rolls up into a ball and cries.
Roll 10: Look at the little cry baby! Does
he want his mummy? Diddums!
Roll 11: That’s enough for now. I think
he’s had enough.
Roll 12: Yeah but just wait till we get
outside! I am sooo going to make fun of him on the cooling rack!
Narrator: And so it was, the rest of the
batch settled down and left our unfortunate roll to cry himself to sleep.
Blackout
Narrator: When the Baker and his wife
returned from the Barons castle they took the bread rolls out of the oven and
placed them on a cooling tray. But they couldn’t stop talking about what they’d
seen and heard up at the castle.
Baker: Did you see her? She was
beautiful! Who’d have thought hey?
Wife: You said she’d have had to scrub
up well for the Prince to notice her!
Baker: Looking like that I don’t think
there’s a man on this planet wouldn’t have noticed her! She’s gorgeous!
Wife: Well you could always see she was
pretty – even under all the cinders from the fires.
Baker: But she looks every inch a
Princess now! Just think, one day we’ll be able to see we used to chat to the
Queen before she learned the value of a bar of soap and a bowl of water!
Wife: Oh I think that’s unkind! You
heard what the Step Mother said. She admitted she’d been wicked to her and not
let her rest as she had to serve her step sisters.
Baker: Yes that must have been awful for
the poor little thing.
Wife: Yes, our poor little future
Queen.
Baker: But did you hear what she said to
me?
Wife: I was there wasn’t I?
Baker: She said when she was Queen she
would remember me because I had always been so kind when she was down. That’s
lovely is that our Margaret!
Wife: Well, its been a long day so I
think we’d best be off to bed now.
Baker: Okey dokey! Let’s walk up that
wooden hill to Snoozeville!
Narrator: And so the couple went off to
bed, and now they’ve gone our attentions turn to the cooling rack… and to those
bread rolls.
Roll 12: RIGHT! Let the mickey taking
commence!
Roll 10: Anyone got any good gags about
the freak yet?
Narrator: But what the rolls hadn’t noticed
was that they were not alone in the kitchen because the rest of the bread was
there waiting to be delivered to the Baron’s castle in preparation for the
reception. And they weren’t happy about these little upstarts.
Crusty: Yo! What’s going on?
Roll 1: What’s that?
Split Tin: He’s talking to you punk!
Roll 2: Who are you?
Bloomer: We’re the Loaves, and we’re in
charge here!
Thick Sliced: Yeah and we tell you what to do!
Crusty: If anyone’s going to be making
fun of anyone here it will be us big guys!
Roll 3: Don’t pick on us… please!
Roll 4: We haven’t done anything to hurt
you!
Bloomer: Wrong short stuff!
Roll 5: Why’s he wrong?
Bloomer: Because when people have the
choice of cutting up a new loaf or settling for a roll, they’ll choose the easy
option.
Thick Sliced:
Yeah and you know what that means don’t you?
Roll 6: What? What does it mean?
Thick Sliced: One word – STALE!
Narrator
The Baker
His Wife
Bloomer
Thick Sliced
Crusty White
Roll 1
Roll 2
Roll 3
Roll 4
Roll 5
Roll 6
Roll 7
Roll 8
Roll 9
Roll 10
Roll 11
Roll 12
Roll 13