Julie: Don’t give me that Martin, I know what you’re like. You’ll just vegetate until middle age spread has taken over your body, or you’re swallowed by the sofa, looking for its own food having run out of delivery pizzas.

Martin: No, I mean it this time Julie, I’ll change....

Julie: How? How, precisely will you change Martin? Hmm? Will it be a new pair of slippers or will you choose a new satellite channel to subscribe to? what happened to the would be pop star I met at university? You’ve changed Martin, mellowed. Most people your age would still be able to muster the odd night of self-indulgence But you you go out to paint the town beige not red. Martin, you’re boring.

Martin: I know how to enjoy myself!

Julie: Really? Do share your deepest secrets with me.

Martin: Well, I went out with the guys from work just before Christmas. we had an excellent night, everyone was steaming!

Julie: Everyone... except you Martin, you were the designated driver!

Martin: Well, it was my turn. We all take it in turns to drive.

Julie: Martin, you’ve been the designated driver for the last four years.

Martin: Well, I still have a laugh! You said I don’t know how to enjoy myself!

Julie: Oh for pity’s sake Martin! When will you face facts, that’s the only time the other teachers invite you out - because they know you’ll drive and they can get as pissed as farts! They’re taking advantage, not including you.

Martin: I don’t like going out every night wasting my money, is that a crime? I can see more of you by staying in of an evening.

Julie: How can you? I’ve been out every other night for the past three weeks!

Martin: Well, you’ve got your own life to lead to haven’t you?

Julie: That’s my point Martin. I have got my own life to lead, and I want to lead it. I can’t live this way any more, I’ve got to move out and do my own thing, find some excitement.

Martin: I’ve told you Julie, I’ll change just don’t move out.

Julie: Do you know what happened to me last night at the Rose & Crown Martin?

Martin: What?

Julie: I saw a group of your sixth form students having a drink. They recognised me Martin. "There’s BB’s missus" they said. Do you know what BB stands for Martin? Beige Baxter!

Martin: No you’re wrong - its Boring Baxter.

Julie: And that’s supposed to make me feel better is it Martin?

Martin: Hang on. Why were you at the Rose & Crown last night? You said you and Jane were off to the pictures. That’s right over the other side of town!

Julie: I, umm, we umm....

Martin: There’s something else going on here isn’t there Julie? Why didn’t you mention the Rose & Crown before? In fact, you don’t even like the Rose & Crown, you said it was a pub glorified yuppies!

Julie: I was there with someone - a friend.

Martin: Yeah, Jane.

Julie: No Martin, a male friend. Steve. Steve Georgeson.

Martin: Steve Georgeson? The Sociology teacher? That lecherous bastard’s been through half of the sixth form over the last two years. I’m surprised he hasn’t been sacked yet. You’d better watch yourself with him!

Julie: I did. And I enjoyed myself. He made me feel alive.

Martin: Steve Georgeson? Made you feel alive?

Julie: Yes Martin, we’re an item.

Martin: So that’s it! all this stuff about me being boring’s got nothing to do with it. You’re leaving me because of the "Designer Label Kid". The pin-up of the Humanities block!

Julie: No Martin, its got everything to do with you being boring. I’d never have been out there if it hadn’t been for you.

Martin: I see so its all my fault is it? We’ve been together for nine years Julie. Steve Georgeson was probably still in school uniform when we met! And it was probably one of the sixth form girls’.... I meant it when I said I’d change Julie. I don’t want you to go...

Julie: But I don’t want to stay Martin. You’ll never change Martin, your idea of romance is to order an Indian delivery instead of a pizza. In ten years time you’ll probably still be sat in that chair watching trash TV. I’m sorry Martin, but I’m going.

Martin: So that’s it? A relationship ends with a bang then a whimper? Well, I’ll show her who’s stuck in a rut1 I’ll prove that I don’t need this armchair or this remote! I’m going to change Julie, just you wait an see.

Martin: Oh, nice one!!! (He sits to watch as the lights fade. End of scene one)

Martin: Hello?... No I’m afraid Julie doesn’t live here anymore.... Hmm? .... No this is me, but Julie’s not here. .... I’m not messing about!!! .... No, she left about a month ago.... she met someone else....yeah they’re living together... thanks, I’m okay. I’m coping. You’d hardly know she’s not here.... Well, you couldn’t have known could you? No really don’t worry about it its okay. Sure see you Bye.

Martin: Hello? Oh, hello again! I didn’t think I’d hear from you so soon! .... Sorry? Could you say that again?.... No I don’t have her new number "just in case" and I’m not likely to "bump into her on the off chance"!!! I’m sorry.... What tone? Now look here, I was perfectly civil until you rang up with your request to speak to the " spawn of the devil".... I don’t care if she’s a friend of yours! Did she walk out on you? Hmmm?....I don’t have to put up with this! How dare you?... I’m hanging up now!... I’m putting the phone down! goodbye!

Martin: Now look here you dozy bint, I’ve got nothing else to say to you so just sod off and leave my to my "beige takeaways" and my "beige sex life"!!!.... Oh, hi Mum!... I was just umm, sorry! I didn’t call you dozy, I meant another silly bint! I mean , oh, sorry!.... Yes, it was a friend of Julie’s she thought it would be fun to ring up and tell me she’s not surprised Julie left me.... Hmm?.... I haven’t heard anything about any of the new jobs I’ve applied for. At least I don’t think I have.. I haven’t had a chance to look at the post yet, I was just about to open something when the "mad woman of Southsea" rang.... No I’m not talking about you!.... Well just hang on and I’ll see what’s arrived. Half of its gone under the sofa.

Martin: Right, prospect number one. "Dear Mr. Baxter, blah, blah, blah, we regret to inform you, dot, dot, dot..." Okay, prospect number two: "Dear Mr. Baxter, blah, blah, blah," rejection!... and finally, number three "Dear Mr. Baxter, blah, blah, blah We would like to invite you for interview for the post of Head of Physics on February 22nd at 9.30 am." Excellent! What do you think my chances of getting that one are?.... I do teach English! There’s obviously been a mistake. Look I’ll ring off now and ring them back, I need to sort this one out and there might still be someone there if I ring now. Bye, take care, see you... bye.

Martin: Ah, yes Hello! I’ve just got a letter from someone inviting me for interview as Head of Physics, and whilst I’m very flattered, I think I’d better turn it down as I applied for a post as Head of English!.... Hmm?... Oh I see they’re all wrong? You do want me for interview? well, thank you, thank you very much. It was obviously worth ringing then wasn’t it? My name? Oh yes, Martin Baxter. no thank you very much and I’ll see you on the 22nd at 9.30. Thank you. Oh Where should I come?.... Reception? Okay I’ll look forward to seeing you. Bye bye!

Martin: Yes you little beauty!!! I’ve done it. I’ve got a sodding interview! This could be the fresh start I need. A clean break, a chance to get away and forget about Julie and that narrowly post-pubescent, designer label wearing, brylcreamed teacher of twaddle!!! Not that I’m bitter of course! Ha! Ha! Things might just be starting to look up!

Interviewer 1: Firstly Mr. Baxter we ask all candidates this, if we were to offer you the job at the end of our little interview would you accept it?

Martin: Definitely!

Interviewer 1: Right, well I’ve got one or two questions for you and then Mr. Overstreet will ask you a few more. Now how long have you been teaching in your present school Mr. Baxter?

Martin: Six years. Since I finished my PGCE.

Interviewer 1: Jolly good, and you feel now would be an appropriate time to make a move?

Martin: Absolutely. I’ve been second in the Dept. for two years and I’d like to strike out on my own, be master of my own destiny as it were!

Interviewer 1: Yes, thank you. Your academic record seems excellent and your references quiet superb, but it does mention some "personal difficulties" here. Do you feel able to elaborate here, is t all right with you?

Martin: No problem. You see I’ve recently split up with my partner and she still teaches at St. Bart’s. I’m hoping a fresh start will do me the world of good. Sort of clear the air.

Interviewer 1: So why us? Why now?

Martin: I was looking for a challenge anyway, that’s the sort of person I am. I believe that this school can offer me the challenge I seek. I’ll be very keen to stamp my mark on the school.

Interviewer 1: You have read the league tables haven’t you? You do realise where we stand? we are the worst school in the town in the eyes of many. are you really ready for that challenge?

Martin: Yes sir I believe I am!

Interviewer 1: Right, enough from me. Over to you Mr. Overstreet!

Interviewer 2: I’d like to follow that last point by saying that as Miss Simpson failed to arrive and Mr. Block and Mr. Lee have both asked to withdraw after touring the school, you are now the only candidate for the post. We aren’t obliged to offer you the job out of courtesy, but I do feel compelled to ask, what will it take to get you to take the job?

Martin: How about a big house, flashy car and the salary of a captain of industry?

Interviewer 2: Well Derek, I’ve heard more than enough. I think we are agreed. When can you start Mr. Baxter?

Martin: I have to give notice, but I could start next term if that’s convenient?

Interviewer 2: Splendid, welcome aboard Mr. Baxter, Martin.

Martin stands to shake hands. He exits and his chair is removed. When the lights come up for the next scene, Martin’s flat has been exchanged for a bedsit. It still has takeaway boxes everywhere and beer cans. More importantly, it still has a telly and a comfy chair. Some of Martin’s possessions are present but it is a lot darker or more dingy than the flat. It is very depressing. A phone rings.

Martin: Hello? Oh! Mum, hi! Yeah, I know its been a while and I haven’t rung you. Well, I’ve just been too busy you see.... you know settling in to the school, to the neighbourhood. Just generally making myself comfortable. It takes a while when you’re new to an area. (As he says this he is puffing up a cushion to make himself comfortable in front of the TV) I like to feel a part of my environment, you can’t just up and move to an area and expect to fit in straight away.... Friends? (cautiously) Friends? Yeah I’ve met a few people at school, you know other teachers.... yes, some of them are female but don’t go buying a new hat yet, they’re all about 50 or married, there’s nothing to suit me really..... ?..... Well, I will. Just give it time. Honestly, you think you know me so well don’t you? No, its not a dingy little bedsit, its quite nice actually. Very light and airy. Yes, I’m eating well and I’m not sitting in every day and night on my own. (He picks up a video case and examines it) No, I’m already involved in the local arts’ scene. In fact I’ve only recently watched some very interesting pieces. (He is referring to the video). Mum, stop it, please, I’m not a baby.... Julie did not do everything for me. I know perfectly well how to keep a house tidy and use a washing machine. (He scans the room) I don’t think I’ve ever lived in a better state, in fact, I’ve realised it was Julie who came round and made the mess in my last flat.... Yes, I know you really liked Julie, no, I don’t know what she’s doing now.... because I don’t want to get in touch..... because I don’t want to be civilised about it, I just want to forget it and move on. To better things. Look I’ve got go one of the other teachers is coming over to see me this evening..... Yes, its very nice, now I’ve really got to go. Oh! There’s the bell! I’d better say cheerio then, .... yeah, bye!.... okay.... bye now.... bye bye... got to go.... thanks. (He puts the phone down and the door bell rings, much to his surprise)

Martin: Bloody hell, that’s clever! (He looks Heavenwards) Pretty impressive stuff, but try to get the timing right next time - you were just a fraction out! I had to get rid of her myself, but I’ll forgive you. Better luck next time! (He goes to answer the door)

Dave: (Enters carrying a four-pack and removes his outer jacket) You’re a difficult bugger to track down aren’t you? A right man of mystery.

Martin: What do you mean?

Dave: I had to practically beg Janet in the office at work to give me your home address, and she simply would not part with your phone number. Is there something going on between you two that I should know about?

Martin: Oh, yes I’m very partial to women on the verge of retirement! Sorry about the mess, I still haven’t really sorted anything out yet apart from what I need for work.

Dave: A man after my own heart. And a taste for pizza I notice!

Martin: Oh, yeah well, I’m not much of a cook. I can’t see the point really, not when you live in a bedsit above a row of takeaways!

Dave: Well, anyway, I’m the official welcome wagon from the Staff Association. Fancy a drop of four star?

Martin: Is it unleaded?

Dave: Very good, quick. The kids said that about you.

Martin: So, to what do I owe this little visit?

Dave: Whenever, a teacher is appointed from outside the locality, one of the Staff Association is assigned to them to help them settle in, it happens with everyone.

Martin: That’s pretty impressive!

Dave: Not really. You’re the first person from outside the town to join us in the last eight years.

Martin: So who was the last person?

Dave: Who do you think?

Martin: Ahh! And this was your idea then?

Dave: Bingo!

Martin: Oh well its the thought that counts!

Dave: You may well find that this is something of a one-horse town. Not a lot of entertainment. The first six months were appalling for me, I felt totally isolated. I stayed in eating takeaways, watching video and drinking on my own.

Martin: So what happened after six months?

Dave: I thought to myself "I’m gonna start living again if it kills me"!!!

Martin: As simple as that?

Dave: Well, I did make a few concessions. You know how it is.

Martin: Not really. I’m still something of a novice in this field.

Dave: Well, it got fairly desperate. Even the next door neighbour’s dog Sophie started to look tempting. I decided I needed to get out there again and start to met people again. People that I could hold a decent conversation with. People of my age who weren’t simply concerned with why Craig was booted out of Bros or whatever.

Martin: Bros? Now that’s dating you!

Dave: But you know what I’m saying. I wanted to get out and play the field again. And you may not have noticed that this isn’t exactly Manchester with its happening club scene.

Martin: Are there any clubs here?

Dave: One. And guess why you shouldn’t go there?

Martin: Oh, Sixth formers?

Dave: Oh, indeed! You really have got a lot to learn haven’t you? The sixth formers wouldn’t be seen dead there, its full of year ten pupils.

Martin: So what did you do? To meet people I mean?

Dave: I decided to go where the people were. I joined things, clubs, societies, night classes I even had a go at amateur dramatics.

Martin: So which worked?

Dave: Well, all of them to a degree. I met plenty of people but none who really caught my fancy if you know what I mean.

Martin: But you did settle down didn’t you?

Dave: Oh yeah, once I met my girlfriend.

Martin: So where did you meet her?

Dave: At night class. I’d joined everything that I thought I’d meet women at. Aromatherapy, cookery, decoupage, you name it I joined it. But do you know what happened?

Martin: Go on.

Dave: I gave up on girlie pursuits, the classes were full of blokes doing the same as me. I finally decided to get my old motor up and running and signed up for a motor maintenance class and that was where it happened.

Martin: What?

Dave: It was full of women who’d all joined up hoping that was where they’d meet a bloke.

Martin: So that’s you’re advice is it? The local motor maintenance course?

Dave: No, I don’t think so.

Martin: Why not?

Dave: Its closed down now. The instructor ended up pregnant and we’re expecting our first baby in two months!

Martin: Right, I see. So what would you recommend?

Dave: Just get the local paper and see what’s on. You’d be surprised where you’re next best chance could be lurking. I mean, you could always end up with Janet in the office at the local line dancing evening! Ride ‘em cowboy! Oh Lord! Is that the time? I didn’t realise it was so late. That’s because I couldn’t find your bloody flat! Look I’m sorry to do this, but I’ve got to get back to the wife. Enjoy the beer and tell yourself "I’m gonna start living again if it kills me"!!! (He picks up his coat and makes his way out followed by Martin)

Martin: Well, thanks for the beer! We should go out some time. Cheers!

(Martin re-enters and picks up the local paper which he begins to scan)

Martin: Oh well! Here goes nothing! Let’s see.... cinema? No, that defeats the object. Darts league? I don’t think so. Night classes? There don’t seem to be any at the moment! Line dancing? Well, I suppose I could always let Janet mother me for an evening while I do some "bootscooting"! There should be a few people there. Sod it, I should stop being so narrow minded I might just enjoy it.